In the last 15 years or so the term “boundaries” has become almost a buzz word. So many couples I speak with think of boundaries as telling someone else what they must do or not do, like “you will never treat me like that again”. In reality, healthy boundaries are a choice or action I make based on what is wise and helpful. In fact, Brené Brown through her research has said the most compassionate and balanced people are also very clear about their boundaries. This seems so counterintuitive, but knowing your limits can be an act of love for yourself and others if it is coming from a healthy mindset.

One way to think of a boundary is like the property line of your home. You make choices every day what to do for your place that will keep you safe and healthy. If your pipes leak you call a plumber, if someone takes advantage or damages your property, you take action to mitigate those concerns. Also, if your neighbor next door has a need you can offer to help, but at the end of the day he is responsible for his property. What if he’s not taking care of his place and you repeatedly do it for him; is that helpful or loving, or is it overstepping the line? Nor is it healthy to passively allow your neighbor to make unwise choices for your property like taking down a fence that could affect you adversely.

We can be guilty of the same when we rescue, indulge, or enable, or when we have trouble knowing (or expressing) we are not okay with a decision someone is making for us without our input. In the same way you, your partner, parent, or friend have your own limits and each of you alone are responsible for taking care of your space, hopefully in a caring way.

We all have a limited amount of energy, number of hours in a day, different callings and gifts, and also the responsibly to care for our mental, physical and emotional health. The question I often prayerfully ask myself is “what can I do, what can I not do?” not just for my own needs but also what is most loving towards others.

Here are a few examples I’ve wrestled with. For most of my life I listened to my mother complain. I thought I was being loving or helpful until in my forty’s (and after understanding codependency) I realized I wasn’t helping her or myself; in fact, her resentment grew rehearsing all her complaints, and my resentment for her grew just listening to her. She didn’t want to process or grow, she just wanted to gripe. So, the action I took was to communicate in a non-angry way before she started that I would go back a year in time with her for something she wanted to review and complain about, and if she went back to her old patterns, I would calmly say “I have to go”. Did it stop her from feeling sorry for herself and complaining? No, but she stopped doing it with me. This saved my mental health and it could help her change, but that’s her journey and her property line.

With my husband Rob I tended to bob and weave with his ideas and restlessness. He would often want to talk about changing jobs or locations, even move across the country, creating more unrest and anxiety in me and the family because we’d moved so many times. So, as I grew in this area I would say, “I’ll be happy to talk about this with you after you’ve spoken to your mature and wise business friends first, or when it comes to really making a decision”. In time, he learned to manage his restlessness in a healthier way and got in touch with the deeper issues when he received the same advice repeatedly. We still discussed other things, and I was happy to listen when it helped our relationship grow, but in this area, it was more helpful for him to process his thoughts with another friend first.

Once a boundary (or a self-limit) is expressed, it still requires the courageous choice to follow through, even if it makes the other person upset. It also requires respecting each other’s limits, something many couples struggle with when they are too self-focused.

I’ve worked with couples who have a reoccurring pattern of getting into fights in the car. After talking about what was wise and helpful, one wife decided to drive separately until they were better at managing their reactivity. A boundary is realizing the only goals I have power to control are my own. I certainly have influence in relationships, and I can make requests or establish healthy conditions if bad behavior continues, but I can’t make my partner, or anyone else for that matter, do what I think they should; that’s their journey and their choice. If my motive is truly loving for others and self, healthy boundaries are part of the process of growth and change when done in a healthy way. Learning how to express your boundaries in healthy ways is a good growth goal. Here are some tips: